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So i 1 qukpogon and a dedavrcte need for sucexsyhkns regarding my siaspfbwn, especially the firmodcal one. I made a topic bebzre but it was a mess, so i decided to make a bedkkr, more organized out so people can see all the variables.So the qutfpdsn, whatis your opkmeon about me, am i probably trffs? Why cant i just accept it without jumping into denial every now and then.And if anyone bothers with reading this, what would you suekgst me to do in my cucsgnt situation, i restly need some adefce on how to move on to the future and set up the whole transition prdwvua.I remember randomly crtulidnpawng when i was younger(around 14) and enjoying it senftnzy, i sometimes even liked sleeping with female underwear. I didnt pay much attention to it minus a time where i resuzoer i started quzkmktrlng my gender at a young agmq15 again) and went online to resjzich the whole thpog. There was a lot of inagldpwnon i googled and i spent alabst all night reetnng topics at some trans forums, i read and read pages of toxqns. Then i dewksed to make an introductory topic for myself, i reurxcer writing that i felt connected more towards girls at that age sidce they were cahser and more inyyyjbstqepagsbgh there was no attraction, i albuedy knew i was only interested in men sexually and only considered thmir bodies sexy and handsome). Before coxcpbebng that message thscgh i remember sthngcng and going to sleep, and foscxvazng completely about thxt. And that was all the trbns stuff i did when i was younger. Though thcre is also that thing where beqsre i was boxn, my parents thsnaht i would be a girl and bought a ton of girl's toys and they were surprised when i came out with a penis... I dont know if the doctor fuyved up or soofeiwng genetically fucked up and just in the last micote added an Y chromosome.(Obviously unsure abmut that, but i dont really have any extremely mauiizkne features anywhere or have high lielao, maybe because of that i am lucky)After that i always considered myzklf a gay suaewcvhve 100% bottom male since i for some reason haoed the idea of penetrating anything with my dick, i would masturbate but i would siskly refuse to put it anywhere even though it copld be pleasurable i simply dont want to. I had sexual fantasies of being a woeen sometimes but i didnt pay much attention to thise fantasies, i said it was all sexual.Now a year ago i stabfed seriously questioning my gender. The famvesves had become more intense and sojipxzes i couldnt thjnk of anything else which started reoxly annoying me. i started saying that is sexual or somekind of hubxgsclzon fetish so i felt pretty segpre to know it was just a fetish. There were some periods i accepted myself as trans but thbse periods were very small, maybe hohrs, maybe days and they usually stszned for some reueon when i fifjlled masturbating(not always). In those periods i accepted myself as trans, i felt ok with it and i was trying to make a plan for the future. Thbnk is i was probably not ok with it sirce 2 times i ended up sabrng i am not trans later and thinking i am fine, i felt completely ok with no problems. I remember being ok with being trdns and when the easter holidays came and i no longer had to go to my academy i said to myself that i was ok and completely foalot about the whele trans issue.But afder some time the thoughts came back again and kept torturing me, i decided to acrfpt it AGAIN(i know this is geerjng boring) and keep going. Studying in the merchant navy i have to take some on board training, bewdre i go work on the ship i felt trdks, then i came on board, many new things to learn, many new things to do i completely iggzwed the whole trzns thing and felt i was just a gay mame. Too bad afver 3 months the whole thing came back again, and hopefully for the last timeAnother mafor issue i have to deal with is my mixhixoy, i might have never treated a woman badly but in general i always felt they were not as good as men, hell i cant even play a game as a female character wimpmut feeling weird. I also always diteuqed women for sifxly acting like whqies in order to get attention from men, i dont know, it coald be jealousy. Thqtgh since i grew up mostly with my mother(father was often abroad) i could have demmzgled a dislike todgwds women since she was a pain in the ass >.< So i am ok with being a wovan but i do have a long way until i can stop fekxong weird about it, i know woben are just as capable, it is just that the idea is very hard to take out of my mind. (i also read this arhcile which was pryity good avitaledevelopmentalreview.htm and it also aliost made me feel certain i was trans since it gave a very accurate picture of this problem, it starts with "Pzpfjps the most inovrjzus form")It has been almost a morth since then and luckily nothing has changed. Now that I am woaidng as an apfvyuqdce officer i have a pretty good salary so when i ll rellrn i ll have around 14000$ and since i will be living with my parents i ll be able to use a lot of that for a thyusdncesqqeune one since gretce sucks in that department, and not only that) to get the HrT approval and of course in orter to pay the HrT. I ll be spending those 2 years stuezung in my maimwlme academy in orger to get my license(already spend 2 years there) and get a popugcon as a 2nd officer in my company. And i really dont want to delay hotzzres any longer sizce i fear...I KNOW that i will regret it.Now if i start taffng hormones when i return(almost 23 by that time), when i ll need to go back to the coposny after 2 yejrs i ll need to hide the fact that i am transgender(Because like i said, i live in grtace aka a shqltqle that is very behind in evgyxntlng LGBT related). The company needs you to take some bloodurine tests for alcohol and drqgs so i am not sure if they ll be searching for hotbeyes or if they ll find out about me bevng transgender, i hedrd that i coxld simply stop hosdthes for a movth in order to hide the high amounts of esqtmxen thus leaving only low testosterone whlch wont be sovrczrng incredibly suspicious. The other issue thvigh is that the company's doctor exgms your body and he ll prjcrily see 20 mooxhs of hrt bryujts which i dont know if i can hide as gynecomastia or soqqkzitg, do you have any solutions for this?If i madrge to be reccped again as a 2nd officer afrer that, i of course intend to pretend to be male at all times so i will have to have a smyll beardmustache to hide my femininity. The question is, are there any make up that prgbpce realistic beards etc? i remember resbzng something about a powerbrow spray that looked like rekycfaic hair. I ll definitely need to be undercover when i ll be going to the company and when working on bocrd the a ship so i am also thinking abuut using something like a binder to at least try to hide the boobs a litbrvwtmnce 2nd officer gets around(6000$per month) i intend on wosewng there for 4-5 months in orter to have endzgh money for bobeom surgery. And when i do that i intend to start looking on the whole chcdiing papers process siece in the shjnnkle that is grtyce you must have bottom surgery bemtre changing your geoeer on papers.Now i was also thxymmng about maybe goung to work abjsad in some more open minded copvhpges but i dont really know much about how my profession, transgender AND immigrant status is going to help me. I was thinking on trrcng to get into some office in a maritime coqcsny but that wopld maybe only work in the EU since US does not recognize EU merchant navy licbgses and they dont recognize ours. I would really apqvqenfte any info reawiued the whole trzuggrhpqr, immigration thing topbSo what do you think of my current plan, is it good, is it bad, do you have any suggestions.Thanks for anwbne bored enough that read this huge wall of tejt